Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Welcome to Dullsville, Population 11

No one ever says "you can never have too much of a bad thing." I have never heard that phrase uttered in my life. Though, if you watched tonight's "American Idol" I'll bet that you make that statement repeatedly for the rest of your natural life. One week of badly sung Beatles covers were more than enough.

For the few of you that read last week's recap, you'll recall that I considered all but two performances big ole' abortions. It turns out I was completely unfair to those performances, because while horrid, they were nowhere as bad as tonight's plate of suckage.

Now, with regret, here is the run down:

Amanda Overymeyer rocked her way into the opening slot. She decided to sing "Back in the USSR." Her performance confirmed to me that she is a communist. It also re-confirmed that she does not have any range beyond barroom slut rock chick.

Rating: Strapped the kids into the back of the van and backed it into a Russian lake.

Kristy Lee Cook sucked her way (possibly literally) in the second spot. She kinda sorta tried to perform "You Got to Hide Your Love Away." I guessed that she wanted to make it into an emotionless anthemn. If that was her idea then awesome. If not, then let this nightmare end.

Rating: Strapped the young 'uns into the back of the F150 and backed in the Mississippi.

David Archuleta went from the pimp slot to third up. After his spectacular destruction of "We Can Work it Out" I was left with wanting more. Instead this kid did the safety dance and performed "The Long and Winding Road." He played it straight, did not move and justed gaspily belted it out. It blew. The judges loved it and sucked his likely hairless balls.

My rating: Strapped himself into the back of his rents mini-van and accidentally kicked the car into reverse and drowned a horrible, horrible premature but necessary death.

Michael Johns materialized into the fourth spot. During his video package he stated that he was going to sing "A Day in the Life." I immediately cringed. I could not think of a way to condense that song into a minute and thirty seconds. Turns out he could not either. After the "song" he said that he performed the song in honor of a friend that died too soon. He must have really hated that guy.

My rating: Revived his dead friend, strapped him into the back seat of his car and backed into whatever ocean surrounds Austrailia.

Rather than discuss Brooke White's unfortunately marginal performance of "Here Comes the Sun" I am just going to go to a happy place where she is not at risk of being in the bottom three and repeat what I wrote last week.

"Speaking of God, the heavenly Brooke White was seventh in the line up. I was concerned that her song of choice of was "Let it Be" which is a bit over played and does not veer away from what she has done over the past several weeks. My concerns absolutely disappeared about mid way through the performance. She was not doing anything special with the song, but she I noticed that she was tearing up. It is the first real moment that I have seen on this show. At the end of the song she let the tears flow a bit and at the moment America should have fallen in love with her. She really seems to be the only person appreciating this experience."

Rating: She's still awesome damn it.

David Cook opened up the second hour of this lovefest. He decided to do the Whitesnake version of "Daytripper." He also decided to use a Peter Frampton VocBox. I am not sure if I really need to say anything further.

Rating: Strapped the kid into some ironic car choice and drove into the lake because he's all about changing it up.

Carly Smithson brought her greatness to the seventh slot. Since she's been deemed a front runner she decided to play it safe and perform "Blackbird." The only version of Blackbird I ever listen to is the duet between Dr. Susan Lewis and Chloe Lewis from the first season of "ER." This one left me wanting to pull something out one of my small orifices.

Rating: Strapped the kid in and back the car into a river of Guiness.

Okay, I am losing steam so lets do a speed round:

Jason Castro - "Michelle" - French sucked.

Syesha Mercado - "Yesterday" - Loved the cleavage, hated her woe is me version.

Chikeze - "I've Just Seen a Face" - Basically the same as last week but in a very bad, bad way.

Ramiele - "I Should've Known Better" - I think the title speaks for itself.

The massive suckage that has been Kristy Lee should be going home during the results show. I am hoping that we (meaning I) do not have to endure a possibe Brooke White elimination scare.

More at some point.


Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Preacher and the Damage Done

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no.

There's a very simple reason that I do not go to church - them ministers be crazy. Of course political candidates must kneel (and bob) before religious folk in order to get themselves into office. God haters have no place leading a country that "values" the separation of church and state.

That being said, political types have to choose your church leader carefully. One way to do so is to listen to what they are saying. If they say that Americans brought 9/11 onto themselves due their own history of terrorism then you and your political career need to get the hell out of that church. If they bitch about how Hilary was not and has never been a persecuted black person fake a "power of Jesus has overcome me" fainting spell and get you ass dragged out of the church.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama did not chose wisely and is now taking some flack being associated with The Rev. Jeremiah Wright (who may or may not have made statements referenced in the above paragraph - if you believe You Tube). Reverend Wright is now off the campaign and his public statements were denounced by Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama himself. Which makes me believe that it is only a matter of time before we see a video of Barack sitting in the front row of the Reverend's church chanting "Kill Whitey" with the rest of the congregation. Though I am no political analyst, I don't think chanting "Kill Whitely" will destroy his political career, it might definitely hurt it.

You know what does kill political careers? Being Client No. 9. Hate white people all you want but do not under any circumstances find yourself in the company of a high priced hooker. You know what happens when you partake in such an activity, you hand over a state to the blind. How can a bill be approved when the approver can't read . . . or find his own office?

This story actually pisses me off a bit more than the whole Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama ordeal because I was Client No. 50. This "Kristen" told me that "50" was just my rating on a one out of ten scale. Now I know that it means that 49 other men had the authority to hollow her out before I even got a shot. And it probably explains where I got the clap.

Okay, it's late on Sunday and I have sleep to do. Back on Tuesday with another recap of Operation Rape the Beatles.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Beatles! Idol! Pain!

As promised I have returned to snarkly comment of the Idol performers "interpretations" of many of the Beatles famous works. As far as I can tell I am the first person ever to do this so I expect fame and fortune to come a knockin' within moments.

For the past week I figured that a majority of the performances would suck ass and I was very much right about that. I thought the remaining ones that did not suck ass would simply suck, but, surprisingly I was quite surprised by a few of them.

Because I am a glutton for punishment, this was the first time that I have watched every single performance (I typically DVR the show and fast forward as much as possible). I figured that if they were going to completely butcher one of my favorite band's catalogs, I might as well sit through the whole damn thing. I knew there would be blood but I felt the sacrifice was necessary for you, but loving returning readers. Also, I kind of dig the pain - just don't tell my therapist, they'll start the drugs again and the gold you've read and enjoyed will be gone.

So without further adieu, let me walk you through what was essentially a rape of my soul.

First up was Syesha. The past two weeks she has sung songs about whoring around. This week she decided to ditch that niche and decided to put a very Carnival cruise slant to "Got to Get You Into My Life." My ass clenched up immediately after the first note and remained clenched throughout the whole ordeal. I think she can actually sing, but she's chosen not to do that on a show which requires it.

My rating: She just knew it and took the morning after pill.

Next was Chikeze. I have listened to all of fifteen seconds of his past three songs. I have two cats now and I would rather hear them dying than listen to the shit he belts. I fully anticipated to absolutely hate his version of "She's a Woman" and I did not like the bluegrass start but thoroughly enjoyed the remainder. I have also felt that soul singers really do justice to Beatles songs so I am glad he went this way. That being said, I expect to hate him once again next week.

My rating: Went to a back woods doc to hanger it out, but was miraculously saved by a "magical African American"

Third up was Ramiele. All I know about her is that she's some sort of bland Asian that has a big voice which she blands up. The only thing not bland about her is those DSL's. She decided to sing "In My Life" - blandly. I really enjoy this song so long as it is not used as the soundtrack for a photo montage at a wedding. Her version was like hearing the wedding montage version while on NyQuil. It hurt a lot.

My rating: A first trimesterer fo' sho'.

The faux hippy Jason Castro was the fourth performer (Jesus I am only up to the fourth performer). Last week he pissed on Hall of Famer Leonard Cohen and skull fucked Jeff Buckley's corpse. This week he tried to sing "If I Fell." My favorite part of his was that after his performance they cut to family and you could tell that even they thought it sucked.

My rating: Just listen to "Brick" by Ben Folds Five.

Coming in at number five was the over hyped, already one time failure, bad toothed Carly Smithson. She chose to sing "Come Together." I skipped all of her pre-performance interview except for the last part in which she said she was going to change the song up. This made me cringe with anticipation. Then she went out and (over)sang the Beatles version of the song. After she finished yelling melodically for no good reason, the judges spent two minutes sucking her dick.

My rating: Wailed it out in the shower before work.

David "I kind of dug his version of 'Hello'" Cook was sixth. Thank Jebus we are half way through. The moment I heard that this prematurely balding dude was touching a Eleanor Rigby I immediately hated it. I did not have to hear a note. Upon hearing a note - I still hated it. What on Earth made Mr. Cook think that singing it like every bad "rock" band out today would be awesome? Oh, that would be the judges who really went for it. Fuckers.

My rating: God would not let such a man ever reproduce.

Speaking of God, the heavenly Brooke White was seventh in the line up. I was concerned that her song of choice of was "Let it Be" which is a bit over played and does not veer away from what she has done over the past several weeks. My concerns absolutely disappeared about mid way through the performance. She was not doing anything special with the song, but she I noticed that she was tearing up. It is the first real moment that I have seen on this show. At the end of the song she let the tears flow a bit and at the moment America should have fallen in love with her. She really seems to be the only person appreciating this experience.

My rating: Passes the clinic while on the way to tell the family the big news.

Batting eighth was David Hernandez. If you're gay then you may better know him for having his dick in your face that one time you went to that one club. He decided to sing "I Saw Her Standing There." If Tiffany can't pull this song off then nobody. The best I can say about David's performance was that he caba-raped it.

My rating: Thankfully the worst you'll get from him is anal warts.

Indiana's own Amanda Overmeyer was slotted ninth. This chick had a chance to die several weeks ago in a car accident and let me down by pulling through. She decided that growling through "You Can't Do That." She proved that she can't "really sing"; "look pretty"; or "win this competition." Randy Jackson thought it would could be played in a "southern bar" which is exactly what an Idoler wants to hear. Unfortunately she was not the worst of of the night and will live to experience several more car wrecks over the next few weeks.

My rating: Lost staging diving after finishing that Mellencamp cover.

I do not believe that Michael Johns actually exists so it is hard to tell if he was the tenth performer or not. This ghost of a man sang "Across the Universe." This song happens to be one of my favorites. I really enjoy the original and Fiona Apple's version. I did not enjoy his version of the song. I have actually sat through his other performances and I just cannot find any substance to him.

My rating: One word - dingoes.

The eleventh contestant was Kristy Lee Cook. She was told to countrify her sound a few weeks ago and dove head first into that "good idea." She decided that fame and fortune sucks and performed a rockabilly version of "Eight Days a Week." Because of this performance I have started cutting myself again. I need to bleed this fucking shit out of me pronto.

My rating: A bloody affair that will leave you childless for life.

David Archuleta got the "I'm the shit closing slot." When he covered "Imagine" two weeks passed I told my mom that I wanted kidnap him and knock all his teeth out one by one. When he covered "Another Day in Paradise" I wanted him hit by a bus then worked over by one of them homeless types that his parents told him to say that he wanted to save. He decided to cover the Stevie Wonder version of "We Can Work It Out." I must say "We Can Work it Out" is my favorite Beatles song and I love Stevie Wonder's cover. This gasping poor excuse for a human must have known this and decided to really put forward the best performance of the night for me. He forgot lyrics, seemed discombobulated, was off key, and looked like a really really white kid singing Stevie Wonder. It was spectacular.

My rating: Dad's foot. Mom's gut. A set of stairs. Repeat if necessary.

Okay then I hope you enjoyed the last time that I will provide you a blow by blow account of an episode of American Idol. I will be back at some point (do not expect a regular schedule kids) with some writing and stuff.


Thursday, March 6, 2008

Regrettable Choices

It is certainly not easy to come out of hiding. It’s like riding rapids full of bullshit. There’s a ton a paper work. There are people in your ear telling you that it is not a good idea. You actually have to write and be creative. It’s fuckingly fucking hard. But I really felt that I had not choice. Blogging (if that is what it is still called) is the only way that I could think of to atone for what be my ultimate sin. I regret to tell you . . . hell this is hard . . . I regret to tell you that . . . okay, I just need to do it quick and easy.

I am the one that gave Patrick Swayze cancer.

Honest to God I did not mean any ill will toward Mr. Swayze. I was just experimenting. I really figured that all the fucker would do is yell “Wolverines”, pull out a gun, and shoot the shit out of his pancreas. Turns out that yelling “Wolverines” when you really want something gets you fucking no where fast. Okay may be it will get you somewhere, but hookers will not give you a hand job for free after you do it. Mistakes where made people. That’s really all I can say.

Oh yeah, Mr. Swayze sorry about the cancer. Won’t happen again . . . okay so it might but the next time it is all on you.

As you can see over the past few years I have gone and matured. The old MPH would not have apologized for, uh, cancerizing Patrick Swayze. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new MPH. What does that mean for you the reader? Well, if you have dared to come back and are hoping for references to Jennifer Garner and the RAH’s – forget about it. The new MPH only creates thought provoking content that will make you think and talk about what you think. “Seriousness to the extreme” should be my motto.

Thankfully, there’s a lot of thought provoking stuff to talk about. First and foremost, obviously, is the presidential election. John McCain, like any good rape survivor, was able to get past the throttling that Dubya gave him in 2000 get himself nominated as the Republican nominee. Once thought dead, this hardened old bastard endured the torture what was Mitt Romney and eventually found himself to kind of, sort of be able to raise his arms in victory. John start printing the “Fuck You Charlie” posters now.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle Hilary Clinton and Ohhhhhhhhhhhbamama are engaged in the human equivalent of a cock fight. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama had a chance to peck Hilary’s eye out this past Tuesday, but a bunch of very scared middle aged and elderly white people decided that they’d rather be fucked by a white woman come November. Which is funny because polls show that most white women are apt to say that they would be hankering for a black man to fuck them in November.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama still has the delegate lead, but Hilary now has almost all of the momentum. If she wins Pennsylvania Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama may as well concede and change his name to Toby.

The most interesting thing about this whole democrat primary ordeal is that Indiana may actually play a large role in determining the path to the Democratic nomination. That is some scary shit people. If you don’t realize how scary that is then just look at the three “American Idol” contestants that Indiana produced this year. The robot girl from “Small Wonder”, the skanky rocker nurse, and the frat guy with an affinity for songs sung by gay men that just got eliminated. These people and I are going to help direct the nation’s future. We’re doomed.

Actually, since we’re already there, lets just stick with the subject of “American Idol” for a bit. I loathe this show. I hate it more than I hate the homeless. With that being said, I have watched the shit out of the show this year. I place all the blame for me watching the show can be placed on one contestant – the wonderfully fabulous Brooke White.

If that last sentence didn’t tip you off, I have an affinity for this girl. It is quite odd that I am getting all Jennifer Garner on this chick. Attractiveness aside, she lacks one of the attributes that I must have in a woman – immorality. Her Brookeness is a married singer-song writer type and allegedly a devout Mormon. She claims to have never seen an R-rated movie, cussed, drank, or smoked. She appears to be legitimately wholesome, gracious about the opportunity she has been provided, and has a propensity to over thank people that praise her.

I should hate this woman. Because of her I have reduced myself to watching “American Idol” like a regular ass mouth breather. Instead I find myself utterly fascinated with her. There’s something about her that I can’t get past and I am going to fucking follow her God fearing skinny ass to her inevitable elimination somewhere around the midpoint of the competition.

Just so you know I am going to take you folks along with me for the first part of the last leg of his journey. Next week the contestants tackle Beatles’ songs. It should be an unmitigated disaster. The Beatles should not be covered. I can count on one and half hands the number of good Beatles covers that I have heard. It is quite possible that I will become so enraged by what I witness that I will murder something.

Okay, so threatening murder seems to be a good point to stop my return post. If you’ve decided to venture back – welcome. If you’re new and like what you read please recommend it to more people. My ego needs stroked.