Beatles! Idol! Pain!

As promised I have returned to snarkly comment of the Idol performers "interpretations" of many of the Beatles famous works. As far as I can tell I am the first person ever to do this so I expect fame and fortune to come a knockin' within moments.

For the past week I figured that a majority of the performances would suck ass and I was very much right about that. I thought the remaining ones that did not suck ass would simply suck, but, surprisingly I was quite surprised by a few of them.

Because I am a glutton for punishment, this was the first time that I have watched every single performance (I typically DVR the show and fast forward as much as possible). I figured that if they were going to completely butcher one of my favorite band's catalogs, I might as well sit through the whole damn thing. I knew there would be blood but I felt the sacrifice was necessary for you, but loving returning readers. Also, I kind of dig the pain - just don't tell my therapist, they'll start the drugs again and the gold you've read and enjoyed will be gone.

So without further adieu, let me walk you through what was essentially a rape of my soul.

First up was Syesha. The past two weeks she has sung songs about whoring around. This week she decided to ditch that niche and decided to put a very Carnival cruise slant to "Got to Get You Into My Life." My ass clenched up immediately after the first note and remained clenched throughout the whole ordeal. I think she can actually sing, but she's chosen not to do that on a show which requires it.

My rating: She just knew it and took the morning after pill.

Next was Chikeze. I have listened to all of fifteen seconds of his past three songs. I have two cats now and I would rather hear them dying than listen to the shit he belts. I fully anticipated to absolutely hate his version of "She's a Woman" and I did not like the bluegrass start but thoroughly enjoyed the remainder. I have also felt that soul singers really do justice to Beatles songs so I am glad he went this way. That being said, I expect to hate him once again next week.

My rating: Went to a back woods doc to hanger it out, but was miraculously saved by a "magical African American"

Third up was Ramiele. All I know about her is that she's some sort of bland Asian that has a big voice which she blands up. The only thing not bland about her is those DSL's. She decided to sing "In My Life" - blandly. I really enjoy this song so long as it is not used as the soundtrack for a photo montage at a wedding. Her version was like hearing the wedding montage version while on NyQuil. It hurt a lot.

My rating: A first trimesterer fo' sho'.

The faux hippy Jason Castro was the fourth performer (Jesus I am only up to the fourth performer). Last week he pissed on Hall of Famer Leonard Cohen and skull fucked Jeff Buckley's corpse. This week he tried to sing "If I Fell." My favorite part of his was that after his performance they cut to family and you could tell that even they thought it sucked.

My rating: Just listen to "Brick" by Ben Folds Five.

Coming in at number five was the over hyped, already one time failure, bad toothed Carly Smithson. She chose to sing "Come Together." I skipped all of her pre-performance interview except for the last part in which she said she was going to change the song up. This made me cringe with anticipation. Then she went out and (over)sang the Beatles version of the song. After she finished yelling melodically for no good reason, the judges spent two minutes sucking her dick.

My rating: Wailed it out in the shower before work.

David "I kind of dug his version of 'Hello'" Cook was sixth. Thank Jebus we are half way through. The moment I heard that this prematurely balding dude was touching a Eleanor Rigby I immediately hated it. I did not have to hear a note. Upon hearing a note - I still hated it. What on Earth made Mr. Cook think that singing it like every bad "rock" band out today would be awesome? Oh, that would be the judges who really went for it. Fuckers.

My rating: God would not let such a man ever reproduce.

Speaking of God, the heavenly Brooke White was seventh in the line up. I was concerned that her song of choice of was "Let it Be" which is a bit over played and does not veer away from what she has done over the past several weeks. My concerns absolutely disappeared about mid way through the performance. She was not doing anything special with the song, but she I noticed that she was tearing up. It is the first real moment that I have seen on this show. At the end of the song she let the tears flow a bit and at the moment America should have fallen in love with her. She really seems to be the only person appreciating this experience.

My rating: Passes the clinic while on the way to tell the family the big news.

Batting eighth was David Hernandez. If you're gay then you may better know him for having his dick in your face that one time you went to that one club. He decided to sing "I Saw Her Standing There." If Tiffany can't pull this song off then nobody. The best I can say about David's performance was that he caba-raped it.

My rating: Thankfully the worst you'll get from him is anal warts.

Indiana's own Amanda Overmeyer was slotted ninth. This chick had a chance to die several weeks ago in a car accident and let me down by pulling through. She decided that growling through "You Can't Do That." She proved that she can't "really sing"; "look pretty"; or "win this competition." Randy Jackson thought it would could be played in a "southern bar" which is exactly what an Idoler wants to hear. Unfortunately she was not the worst of of the night and will live to experience several more car wrecks over the next few weeks.

My rating: Lost staging diving after finishing that Mellencamp cover.

I do not believe that Michael Johns actually exists so it is hard to tell if he was the tenth performer or not. This ghost of a man sang "Across the Universe." This song happens to be one of my favorites. I really enjoy the original and Fiona Apple's version. I did not enjoy his version of the song. I have actually sat through his other performances and I just cannot find any substance to him.

My rating: One word - dingoes.

The eleventh contestant was Kristy Lee Cook. She was told to countrify her sound a few weeks ago and dove head first into that "good idea." She decided that fame and fortune sucks and performed a rockabilly version of "Eight Days a Week." Because of this performance I have started cutting myself again. I need to bleed this fucking shit out of me pronto.

My rating: A bloody affair that will leave you childless for life.

David Archuleta got the "I'm the shit closing slot." When he covered "Imagine" two weeks passed I told my mom that I wanted kidnap him and knock all his teeth out one by one. When he covered "Another Day in Paradise" I wanted him hit by a bus then worked over by one of them homeless types that his parents told him to say that he wanted to save. He decided to cover the Stevie Wonder version of "We Can Work It Out." I must say "We Can Work it Out" is my favorite Beatles song and I love Stevie Wonder's cover. This gasping poor excuse for a human must have known this and decided to really put forward the best performance of the night for me. He forgot lyrics, seemed discombobulated, was off key, and looked like a really really white kid singing Stevie Wonder. It was spectacular.

My rating: Dad's foot. Mom's gut. A set of stairs. Repeat if necessary.

Okay then I hope you enjoyed the last time that I will provide you a blow by blow account of an episode of American Idol. I will be back at some point (do not expect a regular schedule kids) with some writing and stuff.

- MPH