Thursday, March 6, 2008

Regrettable Choices

It is certainly not easy to come out of hiding. It’s like riding rapids full of bullshit. There’s a ton a paper work. There are people in your ear telling you that it is not a good idea. You actually have to write and be creative. It’s fuckingly fucking hard. But I really felt that I had not choice. Blogging (if that is what it is still called) is the only way that I could think of to atone for what be my ultimate sin. I regret to tell you . . . hell this is hard . . . I regret to tell you that . . . okay, I just need to do it quick and easy.

I am the one that gave Patrick Swayze cancer.

Honest to God I did not mean any ill will toward Mr. Swayze. I was just experimenting. I really figured that all the fucker would do is yell “Wolverines”, pull out a gun, and shoot the shit out of his pancreas. Turns out that yelling “Wolverines” when you really want something gets you fucking no where fast. Okay may be it will get you somewhere, but hookers will not give you a hand job for free after you do it. Mistakes where made people. That’s really all I can say.

Oh yeah, Mr. Swayze sorry about the cancer. Won’t happen again . . . okay so it might but the next time it is all on you.

As you can see over the past few years I have gone and matured. The old MPH would not have apologized for, uh, cancerizing Patrick Swayze. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new MPH. What does that mean for you the reader? Well, if you have dared to come back and are hoping for references to Jennifer Garner and the RAH’s – forget about it. The new MPH only creates thought provoking content that will make you think and talk about what you think. “Seriousness to the extreme” should be my motto.

Thankfully, there’s a lot of thought provoking stuff to talk about. First and foremost, obviously, is the presidential election. John McCain, like any good rape survivor, was able to get past the throttling that Dubya gave him in 2000 get himself nominated as the Republican nominee. Once thought dead, this hardened old bastard endured the torture what was Mitt Romney and eventually found himself to kind of, sort of be able to raise his arms in victory. John start printing the “Fuck You Charlie” posters now.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle Hilary Clinton and Ohhhhhhhhhhhbamama are engaged in the human equivalent of a cock fight. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama had a chance to peck Hilary’s eye out this past Tuesday, but a bunch of very scared middle aged and elderly white people decided that they’d rather be fucked by a white woman come November. Which is funny because polls show that most white women are apt to say that they would be hankering for a black man to fuck them in November.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama still has the delegate lead, but Hilary now has almost all of the momentum. If she wins Pennsylvania Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbama may as well concede and change his name to Toby.

The most interesting thing about this whole democrat primary ordeal is that Indiana may actually play a large role in determining the path to the Democratic nomination. That is some scary shit people. If you don’t realize how scary that is then just look at the three “American Idol” contestants that Indiana produced this year. The robot girl from “Small Wonder”, the skanky rocker nurse, and the frat guy with an affinity for songs sung by gay men that just got eliminated. These people and I are going to help direct the nation’s future. We’re doomed.

Actually, since we’re already there, lets just stick with the subject of “American Idol” for a bit. I loathe this show. I hate it more than I hate the homeless. With that being said, I have watched the shit out of the show this year. I place all the blame for me watching the show can be placed on one contestant – the wonderfully fabulous Brooke White.

If that last sentence didn’t tip you off, I have an affinity for this girl. It is quite odd that I am getting all Jennifer Garner on this chick. Attractiveness aside, she lacks one of the attributes that I must have in a woman – immorality. Her Brookeness is a married singer-song writer type and allegedly a devout Mormon. She claims to have never seen an R-rated movie, cussed, drank, or smoked. She appears to be legitimately wholesome, gracious about the opportunity she has been provided, and has a propensity to over thank people that praise her.

I should hate this woman. Because of her I have reduced myself to watching “American Idol” like a regular ass mouth breather. Instead I find myself utterly fascinated with her. There’s something about her that I can’t get past and I am going to fucking follow her God fearing skinny ass to her inevitable elimination somewhere around the midpoint of the competition.

Just so you know I am going to take you folks along with me for the first part of the last leg of his journey. Next week the contestants tackle Beatles’ songs. It should be an unmitigated disaster. The Beatles should not be covered. I can count on one and half hands the number of good Beatles covers that I have heard. It is quite possible that I will become so enraged by what I witness that I will murder something.

Okay, so threatening murder seems to be a good point to stop my return post. If you’ve decided to venture back – welcome. If you’re new and like what you read please recommend it to more people. My ego needs stroked.



Larry Jones said...

Well, here you are again, re-emerging like an old injury that is now arthritic and throbs in certain types of weather. I assume that the fact that you seem to have time to blog means you've been expelled from boarding school again. Their loss will be our gain. I guess.

Alex said...

Oooooooohlordy! He's back!!! *single tear slides slowly down cheek* And talking about american effing idol?
How can you watch that horshite? It's nothing compared to the beautiful heartfelt drama that is The Biggest Loser. I mean come on, it has LOSER in the title! You don't even have to be snarky, the snark is already done for you!
Anyway....I'm so pleased your back!

And i'm still trying to read the bloody captcha letters.

MPH said...

Larry: I think you aptly described what this new writing venture and the content will be like. I should have all my loyal fans back in droves in no time at all.

Alex: If the Biggest Loser had hot fat babes on it maybe I would watch. Until then I am sticking with the wonderment that is Brooke White.

Ren said...

It's so damn good to have you back, you bastard. I joke. You're no bastard. Are you?

SJ said...

"like an old injury..." I love how Larry always knows the right damn thing to say. I knew you'd come back, if just to tout your Ohhhhhhhhhbama again. That shit is too good to stop touting. You coined it, man.

Proud to be amongst the bile again.

Holly said...

Nice to see you're back. Is "seven feet" the same as "heightened?"

Kenna said...

Whilst currently in hiding myself, I am in desperate need of good old fashioned harmless snarkism. Praise B-Jesus you are back.

Pisser said...

I have caught neither American Idol nor Obama Fever. I seem to be immune. Thank dog, I can't stand that hideous oversinging sh*t. I'll bet Obama sings like that, too. In the shower. If his wife lets him.

MPH said...

Ren: I am a bastard covered bastard with a side of bastard sauce.

SJ: "Proud to be amongst the bile again." When did Pops return?

Holly: On the street - yes.

Kenna: You found my giving Patrick Swayze cancer harmless?

Pisser: I am certain that Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhbama sings like Brooke White making them both angels.

OldRoses said...

I've had the lousiest fucking week of my life but now that you're back, I may hold off offing myself for a bit.

Good to have you back blogging again.