Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Welcome to Dullsville, Population 11

No one ever says "you can never have too much of a bad thing." I have never heard that phrase uttered in my life. Though, if you watched tonight's "American Idol" I'll bet that you make that statement repeatedly for the rest of your natural life. One week of badly sung Beatles covers were more than enough.

For the few of you that read last week's recap, you'll recall that I considered all but two performances big ole' abortions. It turns out I was completely unfair to those performances, because while horrid, they were nowhere as bad as tonight's plate of suckage.

Now, with regret, here is the run down:

Amanda Overymeyer rocked her way into the opening slot. She decided to sing "Back in the USSR." Her performance confirmed to me that she is a communist. It also re-confirmed that she does not have any range beyond barroom slut rock chick.

Rating: Strapped the kids into the back of the van and backed it into a Russian lake.

Kristy Lee Cook sucked her way (possibly literally) in the second spot. She kinda sorta tried to perform "You Got to Hide Your Love Away." I guessed that she wanted to make it into an emotionless anthemn. If that was her idea then awesome. If not, then let this nightmare end.

Rating: Strapped the young 'uns into the back of the F150 and backed in the Mississippi.

David Archuleta went from the pimp slot to third up. After his spectacular destruction of "We Can Work it Out" I was left with wanting more. Instead this kid did the safety dance and performed "The Long and Winding Road." He played it straight, did not move and justed gaspily belted it out. It blew. The judges loved it and sucked his likely hairless balls.

My rating: Strapped himself into the back of his rents mini-van and accidentally kicked the car into reverse and drowned a horrible, horrible premature but necessary death.

Michael Johns materialized into the fourth spot. During his video package he stated that he was going to sing "A Day in the Life." I immediately cringed. I could not think of a way to condense that song into a minute and thirty seconds. Turns out he could not either. After the "song" he said that he performed the song in honor of a friend that died too soon. He must have really hated that guy.

My rating: Revived his dead friend, strapped him into the back seat of his car and backed into whatever ocean surrounds Austrailia.

Rather than discuss Brooke White's unfortunately marginal performance of "Here Comes the Sun" I am just going to go to a happy place where she is not at risk of being in the bottom three and repeat what I wrote last week.

"Speaking of God, the heavenly Brooke White was seventh in the line up. I was concerned that her song of choice of was "Let it Be" which is a bit over played and does not veer away from what she has done over the past several weeks. My concerns absolutely disappeared about mid way through the performance. She was not doing anything special with the song, but she I noticed that she was tearing up. It is the first real moment that I have seen on this show. At the end of the song she let the tears flow a bit and at the moment America should have fallen in love with her. She really seems to be the only person appreciating this experience."

Rating: She's still awesome damn it.

David Cook opened up the second hour of this lovefest. He decided to do the Whitesnake version of "Daytripper." He also decided to use a Peter Frampton VocBox. I am not sure if I really need to say anything further.

Rating: Strapped the kid into some ironic car choice and drove into the lake because he's all about changing it up.

Carly Smithson brought her greatness to the seventh slot. Since she's been deemed a front runner she decided to play it safe and perform "Blackbird." The only version of Blackbird I ever listen to is the duet between Dr. Susan Lewis and Chloe Lewis from the first season of "ER." This one left me wanting to pull something out one of my small orifices.

Rating: Strapped the kid in and back the car into a river of Guiness.

Okay, I am losing steam so lets do a speed round:

Jason Castro - "Michelle" - French sucked.

Syesha Mercado - "Yesterday" - Loved the cleavage, hated her woe is me version.

Chikeze - "I've Just Seen a Face" - Basically the same as last week but in a very bad, bad way.

Ramiele - "I Should've Known Better" - I think the title speaks for itself.

The massive suckage that has been Kristy Lee should be going home during the results show. I am hoping that we (meaning I) do not have to endure a possibe Brooke White elimination scare.

More at some point.



SJ said...

I haven't seen any of this year's shows, but did see some guy forget the words to Let it Be or some other song. Stupid young fucker. As Jon Stewart said, "Shame on him." Indeed. I like your commentary though. Appreciate it is a better descriptor.

HappyFunBall said...

You come out of retirement, or whatever the hell you are calling it, and all you have to offer me is American Fucking Idol chatter?

There's NO WAY I'm ever giving you a sandwich now.